This started out as a post about PAX East 2010, but then I realized I had no interest or energy to recount that adventure. In summary: Geek cons are fun, exhausting and one day too long.
When I go to a convention, especially one in the realm of geekiness, I usually find myself fending off an encroaching wave of depression and estrangement. I think it is most prevalent at conventions because I feel like, of all social groups, I should find resonance with this one. But I don’t. It doesn’t happen with any group, anywhere, ever. I have no people.
In the past I attributed this feeling to something flawed in me or something inherently misaligned in the interface between myself and social groups. But, at PAX, I realized what was actually happening. I looked at all the people hanging out with their friends, eating together, showing each other cool games, etc. I thought, “I don’t want to do this alone. This isn’t fun by myself.” And then I realized that I wasn’t just talking about PAX, I was talking about my life.
I’ve been wanting companionship for a long time now, but I didn’t realize what its lack was doing in my life. I naturally want to be loved and to love someone else. But I’ve been getting by without that. Except that I’m not really getting by. In every social interaction there is an unconscious expectation that whomever I’m speaking to will somehow fulfill my need for love. It could be my friends, someone I’m playing a board game with, a meetup group I go to, the waitress at the restaurant… And they fail to give me what I need. Because it is unfair to expect it and I didn’t even know that I was asking for anything. And so I have been constantly disappointed and estranged and puzzled about why I am so discontented with other people.
Having identified this does not make me feel any better. But it does give me hope that some day I will have fulfillment in my life and I won’t leave every table still feeling hungry.
There are over 6.5 billion souls on this planet. Each one of us has special buttons that turn us on or off. In order to make a connection with someone, you must think out of the box. That’s your box. If you think of yoursef and your needs, no matter how noble and tender they might be, you will receive only an echo of yourself. A connection can only be established when we listen and respond with empathy rather than when we broadcast our feelings.
Life is not about what we want from it. But, about what we will do to get it. And the opposite sex must be convinced that you are serious about it. They call this SECURITY.
This post really moved me. It’s so true. I know this feeling very well, even though I eventually rolled a critical success in the companionship department. This sense of being alone in a group, of leaving the table hungry even when surrounded by friends, rings True.
Not to diss the previous commenter, but I don’t really go for giving “finding love” advice. And if I were giving it, I couldn’t think of anything to suggest that you’re not already doing. I think finding intimacy is just a game of chance, and I am shocked sometimes at the people who get there fast vs. the people who struggle for so long without.
I think the additional self-awareness is a benefit in itself. Perhaps it will influence the Fates in ways we can’t see.
I’ve heard just about every kind of advice on this topic. I feel like it is something so subjective, that only the broadest, common sense advice applies.
There is no universal method. Otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue.
I try to be strong & independent. But sometimes that realization of my need for a kindred spirit is overwhelming, most especially @ times like those you describe–wanting to share those experiences. Then other times when that feeling of estrangement falls heavy, I’m filled with peace, reminded by an Over the Rhine lyric: “I’m lonely but never alone.” Adam enjoyed meeting God in the garden, but God still created Eve so Adam wouldn’t be alone. And so I remain cautiously optimistic…
I have been working on my zen studies to be less “fraught” and more connected to all that is to feel that oneness. But the connecting with another person is a need, touching more than just a desire, but something that I go atrophied without (and the part of me that doesn’t want to be weak doesn’t want this to be true).
The other possibility is that you are connected and can’t feel it. But this has nothing to do with the day to day companionship and sharing of your life that it seems like you’re talking about.
🙂 Course, all of me is full of it, probably. I just started doing the OKCupid thing myself. It’s a difficult thing to express to others exactly what it is you need…